More like “Words to put a gun in your mouth by… or, at least, to stop reading Rolling Stone by.”
Back in July, I wrote a post here called “Dear Axe: Stick to a short headline and a hot girl straddling an average looking dude.” I was inspired to post something after reading an advertisement for Axe/interview with Shiny Toy Guns in which one of the questions was amazingly answered simultaneously and exactly the same way by two of the band’s members. I’ve been reading interviews with bands for a long time, but I’d never seen that before.
In the new Rolling Stone, I noticed an advertisement for Heineken/interview with Carolina Liar.
First of all, although they tell you at the top of the page that it’s an “advertisement,” as a copywriter, I’ll tell you another way that you can tell something is an ad. Hmm, maybe, I shouldn’t be telling you this. It’s sort of top secret. Screw it. Okay…
If a company’s name or logo appears nine times on the page, it’s an ad.
Now, prior to reading the Heineken ad, I knew nothing about Carolina Liar. Here’s what I know now:
• Their biggest obstacle is selling records.
• They could be replaced in a moment.
• There is always another band that’s better.
Wow! You guys sound amazing! Seriously, it’s so rare for a band to exhibit such honesty (especially in an ad).
I also learned that the band’s inspired by the idea that a Carolina Liar song might make somebody’s life a little better. That’s cool. What song best describes them? “Better Alone.” Okay, now I’m depressed, dude. Thanks. That shit might make a Martian feel a little better, but not this Earthling.
Remember when rock ‘n’ roll was about swagger? About claiming you were the best band in the world before your album was even released? Remember when bands sang about wanting to be on the cover of Rolling Stone? Today, they’re happy just to be in an advertisement within it.
Remember when ads didn’t go to print with typos?
I’ve never heard a Carolina Liar song (hell, I’d never heard of Carolina Liar until this ad for Heineken), but I’m just going to go ahead and agree with Daughtry_4_Life who left this comment on one of the forums over at VH1: they’re a band of LOSERS!! instead of Carolina Liar how about Carolina LOSERS.
Sorry, but that’s how I feel about bands that think you sell records by selling out.
So, do you want the good news or the bad news first?
The bad news? Okay.
I’ll be out of town this weekend, so no new Sunday post here at So Totally Cherry.
There’s good news?
Yes! I’ll be out of town this weekend (more to come).
But, wait! There’s more!
This past Tuesday, I wrote a post for MamaPop. Read Eric Braeden Leaves Young & the Restless, Takes Lady Tickler with Him! And, be sure to check back at MamaPop every Tuesday in October, as I’ll be a guest-writer there for the remainder of the month. Actually, you should subscribe to MamaPop’s feeds, as the site provides the finest writing and the funniest takes on both breaking entertainment news and the latest celebrity gossip.
Anyway, had I written a full-on post for So Totally Cherry this week, it would’ve been something very similar to how I ended last week’s post…
This week, I saw a lot of advertisements for both “the cause” and “a cause”:
SHOP FOR the CAUSE: At Payless, when you “Embrace the Cause” by purchasing a pink bracelet for $2.00, $1.00 goes to fighting breast cancer. Regardless of how many of the $.90 bracelets are purchased, Payless will donate $100,000. Want to make a real difference (and, hopefully, you do)? Forget the bracelet, and give $2.00 to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure®. They’ll receive the same amount from Payless, but double what they would’ve received had you given the retailer your donation (btw, while you can deduct the $2.00 you donate directly to Susan G. Komen for the Cure®, you can’t donate the $2.00 you paid for the bracelet. So, the charity isn’t the only one losing).
But, Mike, if I donate directly to the charity, I’ll miss out on the “$5 off $25 coupon with every bracelet purchase.”
Notice how it says “bracelet purchase,” rather than “donation”?
Anyway, isn’t it about helping to find a cure?
Just say, yes.
SHOP FOR a CAUSE: This Saturday, October 17, when you purchase a $5.00 shopping ticket at Macy’s, not only will you receive up to 20% off anything you purchase that day (visit their site, and you’ll find a big ole asterisk here), but 100% of the proceeds will go to participating charities.
Look, besides shopping for the or a cause, October is also:
• Adopt a Shelter Dog Month
• Celebrate the Bilingual Child Month
• International Starman Month
• National Breast Cancer Awareness Month
• National Domestic Violence Awareness Month
• You Want to Be What?! A Copywriter? No. NO!!! I Don’t Need Anymore Competition Month
• National “Gain the Inside Advantage” Month
• National Sarcastic Month
• Right Brainers Rule! Month
• Ha Ha! I Was Just Joking About the Competition Thing, Dude. Bring It Month ‘Cause, Seriously, I’ll Totally Destroy You
• Vegetarian Month
• Give a Copywriter $100 Just Because Month
Okay, I made three of those up (yeah, only three of them). Still, honestly — and, seriously — it’s not about the charity you support, but how you support it. Shopping is not a reasonable response to human suffering. Nor, is it a solution to the suffering of either animals or Starman. Help because you genuinely care, and, because, you want to make a real difference.
You care, right?
Just say, yes.
Thank you.
In other news, earlier this morning, my dad and I had breakfast together. Afterwards, I watched as he cut in front of a midget who was waiting to pay at the register. I’m going to assume my dad simply thought the little person was a child. Sad. A bearded child. Sadder. At least, he didn’t buy the man a sucker.
The Post That Wasn’t, and the Week That Was So Sweet
Originally, this post was going to be called…
Daytime Television? Yes!
The New ‘Let’s Make a Deal’? Oh, No…
I’d planned on writing about how much I’ve always liked Bonnie Hunt, and how I’ve watched Young & the Restless for close to quarter-of-a-century. Yeah, whatever, dude. More Y&R for me.
Anyway, then, I was going to write in great detail about how I really enjoy a good game show, and why the new Let’s Make a Deal isn’t one (of course, offering a solution as to how it could be the best game show ever). Exciting stuff, I know.
Young & the Restless? Really, Mike? Seriously?
I like Y&R because, as a copywriter, I’m used to hearing clients say things like, “These five taglines? Great, really great, Buddy. But, can you combine them into a single tagline, while keeping it under five words? Three would be ideal.”
Yes, in fact, I can.
If, like me, you write taglines, then it’s what you do. It’s what I’ve done for over 10 years. So, I find it really interesting that soap opera writing is all about making the writing longer, sometimes, stretching a storyline out for years… a storyline that could’ve easily been wrapped-up in a day.
Wow, that does sound interesting, Mike. Is it too late for me to start watching Y&R?
Awww, yeah. This is what I’m posting about. And, along with phantom pregnancies and lots of backstabbing, this shit happens every damn day on Y&R. Seriously, this particular love scene - and, yes, you're watching a video - started years ago. It’s about half over.
It’s never too late, because another great thing about “our stories,” is they’re written so as to immediately clue audiences into what’s going on, regardless of whether you’re a longtime viewer just coming back from hip replacement surgery or a new viewer just starting your journey towards hip replacement surgery.
Anyway, all of that (and much, much more) was going to lead me into asking the question:
How do the commercials that air during daytime TV pay Bonnie Hunt’s salary and those of her staff, as well as the actors, writers and directors of Y&R?
Seriously, is there really that much money in:
• Cash for gold
• Dentures
• Re-Bath
• Prescription drugs
• Local home medical supply companies
• Personal injury attorneys
• KY® Brand personal lubricants
Yes there is.
There’s big money in cashing in all that gold you’ve got just lying around so that you can buy the pills to get it up, the powered chair to get around, the lawyer to sue someone’s ass off and the lube to fuck someone’s ass raw, all without the embarrassment of your dentures falling out and the one-of-a-kind feeling that comes with simply covering over a disgusting bathtub, rather than, oh, I don’t know, cleaning it once in a while. This is America, after all.
Anyway, I was going to end the post with a rant about how the new Let’s Make a Deal could’ve been so much better had it been “Let’s Make a Deal, Kid.”
Think about it, unlike adults, kids don’t have credit cards or home equity loans or an unused bottle of KY®, so they’re not jaded. Show a kid $500 and he’s taking that fucking money. And, he can do it the easy way, or the hard way. Your call.
The beauty of Let’s Make a Deal, Kid, though, is you don’t even have to offer the kid $500. You could offer him 500 quarters. He has no clue as to how much money that is. Is it, like, a thousand dollars? Maybe! Probably more! $10,000? Who knows? It’s easily enough to buy a pool and build his own minauture golf course. But, maybe, he’d rather trade those quarters for… a truck load full of candy!
WHAT THE FUDGE?!
Decisions, decisions. Kid’s brain’s about to short-circuit. Other kids in all sorts of crazy costumes, costumes much more creative than adults could ever hope to come up with, scream in that way that only kids can…
Quarters!!!!
Candy!!!!
Candy!!!!
Quarters!!!!
They don’t even know what they’re screaming anymore.
Quartandy!!!!
Then, the kid with the decision to make finally makes it, letting out a blood-curdling, tear-filled scream…
“Quarters!!!!!!!”
Why? Because he’s done the math and, hey, he can buy his own candy AND play video games, while still having enough, probably, to at least build that pool.
But, hold on.
Let’s make a deal, kid.
Would you like to trade those quarters for what’s behind that curtain, yeah, the one with the Disneyland graphic and iPods falling from the sky?
Yes!
And, the reveal…
Kitty litter box.
Used.
Very used.
Wah, wah, wah, waaaahhh.
Or, maybe, it’s simply a toilet, or a life-sized cut-out of the kid wearing a diaper. I don’t know, but something involving crap (I mean, that’s what they’re giving away to adults on the new Let’s Make a Deal).
Anyway, that’s what I was going to write about. Typical shit. But, this wasn’t your typical week. Well, maybe it was your typical week, but it certainly wasn’t mine.
This week was perfect.
And, next week, I’m quite confident, will be, as our Founding Father’s said, more perfect.
Of course, “This week was perfect. And, next week, I’m quite confident will be, as our Founding Father’s said, more perfect” really is less of a blog and more of a tweet. Hence, the post that wasn’t and the week that was so sweet.
Of course, I’m still me, just a much happier version. So, I can’t help but leave you with a very brief commentary on this ad from the most recent Rolling Stone:
“The Red campaign proposes consumption as the cure to the world’s evils. Can’t we just focus on the real solution — giving money?” – Ben Davis, BUY (LESS) CRAP
Advertising Age claims that retail participants in (PRODUCT) RED have invested $100 million in advertising. How much have advertisers raised to fight AIDS? $18 million. Mark Rosenman wrote in the Stanford Social Innovation Review that (PRODUCT) RED is an “example of the corporate world aligning its operations with its central purpose of increasing shareholder profit, except this time it is being cloaked in the patina of philanthropy.”
If you want to fight AIDS, save animals or help kids, don’t go see a concert. Simply cut out the middleman, and cut the charity a check.
I had sex with David Letterman. Have you? (Just say, yes.)
The LA Times wrote, “David Letterman Affair Is No Joke.”
No, it isn’t.
Newsweek asked, “But, Will Letterman Still Be Funny?”
Yes, he will.
With that out of the way — and, before I get to my affair with Letterman — some random thoughts on what’s been said about the comedian since his talk of shame:
A letch. Creepy. Pervy old man: That’s how Newsweek’s Jennie Yabroff described Letterman. She even implicated Craig Ferguson whose Late, Late Show is produced by Letterman’s Worldwide Pants, saying Ferguson can be “quite flirtatious with young actresses.” True. But, anyone who’s ever watched Ferguson knows he can be quite flirtatious with young actors, old actors, studio cameras, stuffed animals, etc.
It took two people to write one article: In the aforementioned LA Times article, “David Letterman affair is no joke,” Matea Gold and Scott Collins wrote, “… the comic did not express any contrition for cheating on his wife, Regina Lasko, whom he dated for 23 years before their marriage in March.” Letterman was single. The staffer was single. Of course, according to a Gallup poll that I’ll get to shortly, 40% of Americans view sex between single people as morally wrong. 100% of those 40% were married, probably.
Now, now, Erin: The National Organization for Women’s Erin Matson said Letterman’s admission “… plays into the same old sex stereotypes that men can do whatever, but women should be ashamed of their sexuality. We’re just disgusted that all these Hollywood men think they can do whatever they want.” Stereotypes? Really? Fine. Let’s talk about opportunistic women marrying rich men, having their children, and then immediately divorcing them, walking away with millions in child support. Is every woman a Heather Mills?
Schadenfreude: Fox & Friends’ Michelle Malkin said “It’s hard not to have a smidge of schadenfreude for somebody who’s shown contempt for women in public…” Schadenfreude? That’s a big word for viewers of Fox News. And one that doesn’t sound very patriotic. Why do you hate American words, Michelle? You chose to use a German word, rather than simply saying “Letterman got got.” Oh, and he has contempt for women? Letterman, like most Midwesterners, has contempt for everyone, including himself.
Letterman injected some humor into his talk of shame?! WTF, Mike?!
Yes.
Now, regardless of whether you found the jokes to be amusing or inappropriate, they were to be expected.
He’s from the Midwest. It’s what we do.
He’s also a comedian. It’s what he does.
About half of we, the people are hypocrites, because Dave’s not the only one who’s done it, will do it or is “doing it” right now.
According to most studies, approximately 60% of men and 40% of women have admitted to extramarital affairs.
So, on average, half of all Americans.
“Admitted.”
Ask your typical American male about who he’s had sex with, and he’ll tell you he’s slept with every halfway attractive woman he’s ever known — his high school teachers, stewardesses, the bridesmaid, nurses, etc. Yeah, he’s that desirable. Ask your average American woman and, well, no, she would never! And, frankly, she’s shocked that you would even ask her such a thing! She’s that moral. Yeah.
In the Gallup poll I referred to earlier (“Extramarital Affairs, Like Sanford’s, Morally Taboo,” June 25, 2009), “92% of Americans say married men and women having an affair is morally wrong.”
And, of course, it is.
Percentage of Americans That Believe the Following Are Morally Wrong:
• Death penalty: 30%
• Buying and wearing clothing made of animal fur: 35%
• Medical testing on animals: 36%
• Having a baby outside of marriage: 45%
• Suicide: 80%
• Cloning humans: 88%
• Polygamy: 91%
So, unbelievably, we prefer that one man have two wives or that a person kill themselves than have an affair (although 50% of Americans have had, are having or will have one).
George Michael once sang “Sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex is best when it’s one on one.” I’ve always taken his word for it, but who knows? Maybe sex is best when it’s two on one. I don’t know. A good question for Dear Redhead, a sex advice columnist.
Uh, Mike, George was singing about monogamy.
Oh, okay. Well, in “Who Has Affairs and Why,” Peggy Vaughan wrote “Most of us expect monogamy to be a normal part of marriage or any committed relationship. The reality is that monogamy is not the norm.”
Now, I’m not advocating affairs. Really, I’m not.
I’m advocating:
• We stop being hypocrites.
• We stop viewing sex as something we need to hide and the personal lives of people we’ve never met as something we need to see.
• For consistency. If the cover of Cosmopolitan is going to be concealed here in the Midwest, then cover Guns & Ammo, as well.
• You follow @diablocody as she tweeted “In other news, Jay Leno caught fucking the tailpipe of an outrageous antique car.”
And, I’m advocating that we all admit we’ve had sex with Dave.
I’ve had sex with David Letterman.
Like the end of some feel good Capra movie, if those of us of legal age would come forward and email CNN, MSNBC and FOX News to let them know that, yes, we’ve also had sex with Letterman, they wouldn’t have the resources to fact-check everyone of our stories. Oh, sure, Wolf would put on his good beard and glasses, and the networks would initially rush to create interactive maps comparing the spiking of both H1N1 and Letterman affairs across the country. But, sooner rather than later we’d get back to focusing on the real issues seriously affecting this country because, hopefully, “the news” and those addicted to it would realize just how ridiculous it is to dedicate so much time and so many resources to covering someone’s sex life.
Get back to, Mike? Don’t you mean, finally get to?
Totally.
Look, a single man had sex with a single woman. The only news there is our response to it.
Breaking News! Americans Continue to Display Hypocrisy, As Well As a Fear Of/Hate For Sex.
Actually, that’s old news. And if you don’t get it, well, that’s just the way it goes.
Disclaimer: Yes, I’m fully aware that I never touched upon the issue of sexual harassment. That’s for lawyers, CBS, Worldwide Pants, David Letterman, and both past and present staffers of the Late Show (and, maybe, even NBC’s Late Night) to discuss. I’m more concerned with our attitudes towards what we as Americans consider morally wrong, as well as how quickly we can shift from loving someone who’s made us laugh for over quarter of a century to hating that same person for doing the same thing average people do everyday.
Thanks for the great September!
Very nice end to my September, and I have you to thank. My old blog — 8daysawreck — had its best ever day, week and month. Interesting considering I haven’t posted anything new there since Goodbye Cruel World Wide Web way back on January 23. It gets even better (for me), as my new blog — you’re soaking in it now — also enjoyed its best month ever. So, a big thanks is in order.
Thank you.
Knowing that there are people out there with loves and hates and passions just like mine (not to mention, way too much free time) makes me feel really good going into October… almost makes me forget that for the next 31 days, every DJ in the country – all 9 of them – will refer to my favorite month of the year as “Rocktober.” Ugh.
Anyway, I’d like to do something for you.
One of the many things I really like about thrift stores is I never know what I’ll find. H1N1? Yeah, they’ve got that.
This past week, I found a few items and, although I didn’t buy them, they sure brought a smile to my face. Hopefully, they’ll do the same for you.
See you in October!
MMM FLOP. Found this small truckload of Hanson cds. Still sealed. The thrift store can't give 'em away. Seriously, they're free. They've been there for months. Someone somewhere greatly overestimated the demand for total crap.
"NOW THAT THE ROMANCE IS OVER... GO HOME": Normally, I would’ve flipped right past this. But, come on! So great. Didn’t buy it (mostly because I've lived it) but, looking at it now, man, I wish I had.
Why this freelance copywriter hates love, likes lust, will never fully master Aikido and believes bing failed as soon as Microsoft settled on a name.
The following post is brought to you in part by…
“Writers aren’t exactly people. They’re a whole lot of people trying to be one person.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
As a freelance copywriter, I spend a great deal of my free time thinking about words. Thankfully, doing so comes naturally, mostly going on behind the scenes, in the back of my mind. Then, when my subconscious is satisfied with the results, a rough draft is delivered to the front office for fine-tuning. It’s a fabulous system, not only because it makes the job of actually writing copy both faster and easier, but also because I can be working without it feeling like work.
This week, although the front office was fine-tuning taglines and body copy for a bunch of new television shows, apparently, the team in the back was thinking quite a bit about product naming, specifically about bing, Microsoft’s new search engine, and the latest attempt to dethrone The Google.
Doomed to fail.
Why? Well, yeah, because it’s Microsoft. Besides that? Because bing possesses just a single syllable.
• Yahoo
• WordPress
• YouTube
• MySpace
• Blogger
• Flickr
• Hulu
• Craigslist
• Netflix
• Etsy
• Ebay
• iPod
bing
One of these words is not like the other.
When it comes to our favorite Web sites and gadgets, it appears we prefer names containing not one, but two syllables. And, just maybe, we’ve always preferred two.
If you’re my age (41 in just over a month) and your mind’s still good, you’ll remember IBM and Texas Instruments. If so, then you’ll probably also remember what we called them: Big Blue and TI.
Two syllables.
Microsoft just doesn’t get it.
Zune? No thanks. I like my iPod.
bing? The guy from “Friends” has a Web site? Wow! I’ve got to Google that.
MSNBC? Whoa. Seriously, I don’t think Fox News has anything to worry about (except for hell fire, of course).
Still, I’ll give credit where credit is due, as Microsoft did get it right with one product name: X-Box.
With bing, Microsoft was probably going for a digg-sort of name. Digg, along with Amazon, being exceptions to the two syllable rule. Obviously, both bing and digg are four-letter (all lowercase) words. Flop the b of bing, drop the n, and you have dig. Okay, that’s a stretch but, still…
Words!
And, the sort of shit I think about without really thinking about it.
Anyway, as a copywriter with lots of experience with product naming, all of that was, likely, only interesting to me. Uh-oh, see, now my conscious mind is running with it (a tactic the boys here often employ when they want to take a break from actually writing)…
Mike! Check it out… Circuit City’s out of business, but Best Buy — two syllables!!! — is going strong. Wal*Mart and Target are both bigger than Sears, JC Penny’s and Kohl’s. JC Penney’s made a potentially fatal error with JCP, when they should’ve referred to themselves simply as Penney’s. Seriously, isn’t that how people have always referred to them? Did Radio Shack recognize the two syllable trend when they spent big money on an advertising campaign to convince people that they should call them “The Shack”? (Ha, ha! Not going to happen!) No. They just didn’t want “radio” in their name.
Hey! Back to work, you guys!
(Pause)
So, now that we’re alone, what do you want to do? Oh, I don’t care… hey! I know! Want to go in the bedroom? No, I was just joking. No, no. It’s fine. Whatever. Well, we could play a little word game? Yeah? Cool. Okay, take your clothes off. I’m joking! Okay, guess what word I’m thinking of? No, not sex (not anymore). Guess again.
Nope.
Sorry. Maybe this will help. I’ll sing it.
It’s so fine.
Nothing, huh? Okay, here’s another clue.
It’s sunshine.
Are you concentrating?!
Say the word and you’ll be free.
Say the word and be like me.
Let’s say the word I’m thinking of.
Love?
That’s right!
The word is love.
Pulling a total Michael Scott here, Wikipedia states that “Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. As an abstract concept, love usually refers to a deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person. Even this limited conception of love, however, encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to the nonsexual emotional closeness of familial and platonic love, to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love.”
No, that’s not what she said.
So, here’s my deal…
We throw the word love around as if it doesn’t mean a thing. And, over time, the result is it doesn’t.
We love this. We love that.
QVC / HSN hosts just “love, love… LOVE” those embellished Quacker Factory stretch denim jeans, and the fake diamond, simulated gemstone ring that if you’d just eliminate Starbucks, would practically be free! An athlete dives for a ball, and the announcer screams “You gotta love his desire to win!” The NBA’s tagline used to be — maybe, still is — “I love this game.”
We love your new hairstyle.
We love your new shoes.
We love your new house.
We love what you’ve done with the place.
We love your kid’s drawings.
We love your new idea, boss.
We love your tweet.
Love, love, love, love, love.
Love.
We love everything and, consequently, nothing is truly loved.
Love becomes not the word as John Lennon sang but, rather, just a word. Worst of all, one with no real meaning.
Now, think about another word.
Hate.
How often do you utilize that word? I’m willing to bet not nearly as much as love. Most of us would probably agree that, in most situations, hate is simply too harsh of a word, reserved for Nazis, talk radio, ex-girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands and, of course, bing. Seriously, state that you hate something, and the room will suddenly get all silent, someone will ask you to explain yourself and most will assume you have major anger management issues.
So, with regards to the over/misuse of the word love, here’s what I think we should do:
We adults should start acting more like children (hell, most of you already dress like them, so it shouldn’t be that difficult… and we wonder why kids no longer respect us adults. Why? Because most of you dress like them!).
When someone says they love something other than another human being (or a pet), we should childishly respond with, “If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?”
We like things. Sometimes, we really like things. Then, there are a few things we really, really like. But, we don’t love them. Facebook knows this, and that’s why we can only like an update.
Saint Augustine said that we need to understand the difference between love and lust. Now, personally, I view love and lust as one in the same, both requirements in a “soul mate.” In fact, in my opinion, lust is simply the physical expression of the emotional feeling of love. Think of it like Aikido.
Aikido is a Japanese martial art that blends with the motion of an attacker so as to redirect rather than oppose the negative force. That’s the physical side of Aikido. It’s also a philosophy commonly referred to as the “Art of Peace” that, basically, teaches an interconnectedness to the Universe that each of us can tap into in our daily lives.
Pretty much, I’ve read almost everything ever written about the philosophy of Aikido. But, I’ve only taken three classes. So, whereas I’m well versed in the spirit behind the martial art, in failing to practice the physical side of it, my understanding is incomplete. I believe the same applies to love. Without the physical aspect — without lust — one will never truly, completely experience love.
As the porno Gordon Gekko (let’s just call him Gaggon Cocko) would say, “lust is good.”
Yeah, I really, really like lust (obviously). Consequently, I can scratch “get sainted” off of my to-do list. Still, I feel that we need to understand the difference between love and like. Anyway, back to the dude in the office that loves Coke Zero so much, you recommended he marry it. Likely, he’ll say…
“I should marry Coke Zero? Yeah, that might’ve been funny… when I was 10.”
Simply respond with:
“Well, only 10 year olds ‘love’ soda.”
Believe me. I know what you’re thinking.
Saying you love something is just a figure of speech, Mike.
And, that’s the problem.
Now, where was I? Something about how this copywriter’s mind works…
*****
Great article on how the debasement of language is the curse of modernity.
Because I don’t want to have to think about these songs until next Sunday, and because it’s also my hope that feeling like I might puke will make me forget about my bad back.
A while back, over at my old blog, I wrote a post called “The Top 41 Popular Songs I Personally Never Get Tired of Hearing.” Although it never appeared at 8 Days a Wreck, as Akismet rightfully flagged the comment as spam, freencekvef@gmail.com wrote:
“I think you are thinking like sukrat, but I think you should cover the other side of the topic in the post too…”
Sukrat?
Nothing over at Urban Dictionary.
Maybe, s/he meant Socrates?
Let’s do a quick Google search.
Okay, well. Apparently, I’m not the first to have thought like sukrat and to have been advised to cover the other side. For instance, Joe at Greener Living Thru Technology received the same comment, as did Hans Kristian at My Logs Board. Even Star Magazine was accused of thinking like sukrat and not covering the other side of the topic in “Exclusive: Gossip Girl Spin-Off Details Revealed!”
Well, unlike Star Magazine, I will cover the other side of the topic. Let’s do this freencekvef@gmail.com, whoever (robot) and wherever (India, China or Russia) you are.
The Top 41 Popular Songs I NEVER Want to Hear Again Ever (in no particular order):
Come On Eileen – Dexy’s Midnight Runners
Break My Stride – Matthew Wilder
Walking On Sunshine – Katrina & The Waves
Mustang Sally – Wilson Pickett
Another One Bites the Dust – Queen
Red, Red Wine – UB40
American Pie – Don McLean
Judy In Disguise (With Glasses) – John Fred and His Playboy Band
Respect – Aretha Franklin
Free Fallin’ – Tom Petty
What I Am – Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians
She Drives Me Crazy – Fine Young Cannibals
The Boys Are Back In Town – Thin Lizzy
Let’s Twist Again – Chubby Checker
Dancing In the Street – Martha and The Vandellas
Rock On – David Essex
Black Water – Doobie Brothers
Uptown Girl – Billy Joel
We Built This City – Starship
Walk Like an Egyptian – Bangles
American Woman – The Guess Who
Kokomo – The Beach Boys
Mony Mony – Billy Idol
Life Is a Highway – Tom Cochrane
Play That Funky Music – Wild Cherry
Lola – The Kinks
Me and Bobby McGee – Janis Joplin
Mr. Wendal – Arrested Development
Proud Mary – Ike & Tina Turner
Bennie and the Jets – Elton John
We’re an American Band – Grand Funk Railroad
Mr. Tambourine Man – The Byrds
Spoonman – Soundgarden
You’re Beautiful – James Blunt
Unchained Melody – The Righteous Brothers
I Think We’re Alone Now – Tommy James and The Shondells
Brown Eyed Girl – Van Morrison
Walk This Way – Aerosmith
Kryptonite – 3 Doors Down
Sex and Candy – Marcy Playground
Mr. Jones – Counting Crows
Again, these are the popular songs I NEVER – NEVER EVER EVER – need or want to hear again.
*****
Well, that didn’t take long, as Season 9 of ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars” opened to the awful tune of “The Boys Are Back In Town.”
Olivia Newton John, a Nympho and The Fonz. You never know what you’ll find at Goodwill.
So, I’m at Goodwill going through stacks of dusty old records and getting all dirty when I come across what has to be the most awful album cover ever — a picture of a harmonica in a hotdog bun. WTF? Both the harmonica and the hotdog bun are useless, now. You can’t blow it, and you can’t eat it. There’s a joke there somewhere.
Anyway, after about an hour, I make my way to the cash register, carrying four records and three paperback books. As I wait for a cashier to make her way from the far side of the store, I notice a sign that says:
Records 10 for $1.
Books 4 for $1.
Nice.
Or, so I thought.
So, the cashier — a woman in her early sixties — finally arrives, counts my items, and immediately says “Records are 10 for $1.00.”
Yeah, I know. But, I only found these four.
Confusion.
“Books are 4 for $1.00.”
Here we go.
“You don’t want to get another book?”
No, just these three. Thanks.
She looks at me. Back down at the records and books. To the register. Over to the sign. Around the store. And, finally, back to me.
“You don’t want to get another book?”
With a line forming, I tell her I’ll just go ahead and pay the regular price for the items.
Confusion.
Again, she looks around the store. Then, she picks the stacks up AGAIN and, well, I don’t know what the hell she was doing.
“You sure you don’t want –”
You know, I think I’m just going to get another book.
As I turn to head back to the books, I lock eyes with the girl in line behind me, and we share one of those “She’s nuts” looks. Of course, I immediately feel bad thinking that maybe the cashier saw it. Not bad enough, though, to keep me from going back and looking for a book that upon my return will make a real statement.
So, what’s it going to be?
Peggy Herz’s “The Truth About Fonzie”?
Yes!
Wait…
“The Nympho and Other Maniacs”?
I’d planned on throwing the book away as soon as I walked outside, but flipping through it for all to see at the register, I come across a quote from Freud that opens the book:
“The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is: What does a woman want?”
While I flip through the book, the cashier decides to let me have the records for 10 cents apiece and the books for 25 cents.
Oh, boy.
So, I get home, and put on one of the albums I’d bought — Olivia Newton John’s “Have You Never Been Mellow? ” No, not very often. Teach me, Olivia.
Listening to ONJ, and flipping a bit more through “The Nympho and Other Maniacs,” (Olivia’s voice makes doing so only natural), I read about Victoria Woodhull. Apparently, she was a:
• Prostitute
• Spiritualist
• Wall Street broker
• Publisher of a national newspaper
She also ran for President against Ulysses Grant in 1872.
Her platform, among other things, was:
• Free love
• Short skirts
• Abolition of the death penalty
• Vegetarianism
• Excess-profit taxes
• Female orgasm
• Better public housing
• Birth control
• Magnetic healing
Maybe, Freud has his answers?
Anyway, that’s a woman I could get behind!
Btw, she spent the night of the election in jail. Unfortunately, today, we’ve still got a long way to go, baby.
Still, ladies, what do you want?
Millennials or Generation Y or Echo Boomers… Whatever you’re called. Meet Hag.
“Hollywood’s hottest starlet is a violent-tempered, insecure control freak, with a tendency toward self-destruction, and isn’t about to put up with any of your crap.”
So… she’s your typical Millennial?
Is she willing to put up with Merle Haggard’s crap? This Gen X-er thinks all Millennials — and, especially, Megan “I wasn’t born with a special vagina” Fox — ought to be required by law to spend a week with “Hag” at the outlaw country artist’s ranch in California’s San Joaquin Valley. I’d love to see how that generation returns after living in the desert with the 72-year old, missing half a lung, former San Quentin inmate, pot smoking son of Dust Bowl migrants.
I totally agree, Marilyn.
When it comes to easily spotting poseurs, you, Lucky Brand, are NOT helping.
Thanks, Lucky, for the reinforced seams, edge stitched inseams for durability and the hand set rivets for extra hold (I can’t tell you how many times, I’ve reached in for my keys or some change and, oops!, there goes a pocket. Actually, yes, I can — never!). Really, it’s so totally cherry that you’ve gone to all of the extra work to make a quality pair of jeans that are not only “cool,” but also built to last… for a few washings thanks to the holes. I don’t know if you know this, but holes sort of naturally occur in jeans when the quality’s high enough to allow the jeans to be “lived-in” for any real length of time (think, longer than the fashion season). Of course, as you point out, your buyers don’t actually want to live in their jeans; they just want the lived-in look. Poseurs.
